To Have the Soul Feel Its Worth

So, I have been meaning to post this for a while but it has been a bit hectic around here lately.

About a week ago, before school was in full swing, I had some realizations.

When applying to JVC, basically every applicant asks former JV’s what the best part and the hardest part of their experience had been. I would say almost everyone I asked said community. I could not really believe this. I LOVE community. I love building relationships and I am easy-going and never really got upset from roommates or habits of friends. I never hold grudges and I am really low maintenance in living situations. I could see how maybe community was harder for others but when I got here I chose to share a bedroom because I prefer to share. I love being around people and sharing my thoughts and experiences with them.

But last week, I realized community is hard. And it is hard in ways that I never would have thought of before arriving here. Don’t get me wrong I am falling in love with the people I am sharing my next one or two years with, but community is still hard.  Last week I began to really feel that the people surrounding me just did not “get me”. They did not know me and they did not know what I need or how I thrive. Father Boyle, references the importance of having the soul feel its worth and I feel that having other people “get you” or really see you rewards the soul enormously. It got me thinking, “How do I know my friends from home know me? Does it just take time?” I thought about all of the times I made new friends, I realized I was never completely severed from my old friends that I felt did “know me” unlike now.  Also, I made a lot of new friends through living situations and campus groups at BC but I also made friends basically randomly my freshman year that turned into some of my greatest and closest friends for the past four years. How did that happen? Why did that happen? How long did it take for them to “get me”? I kept reading letters friends had given me before I left and they all had a similar thread to them. They could see my motivations and passions. They described my best attributes and gave wishes of how they hoped I would grow from this experience. They wrote about who I am.  And I felt that my community could not totally see that. Granted, I had only known them for at the most 5 weeks and at the least 3 weeks. But still, when you feel no one around you truly understands you it is immensely lonely. And it makes you question who you are. Maybe these aspects your friends from home see as your defining traits aren’t really that defining. Maybe, you are wrong about who you are.

But then something happened. I led my first community night. For JVC, volunteers are required to have one night each week for community and one for spirituality that we take turns leading. I decided to do an agree/disagree spectrum where I made a number of statements and everyone stood where they felt they fell on a line of strongly disagree to strongly agree, marked by candles. This had been a 4boston staple and actually it was the first reflection I had ever led. I did it to “try out” leading my junior year before I officially became a councilperson.  So, for JVC community night I knew what I was going to do, I picked a song to get us centered, I had a great quote to end with, and I added a bunch of statements to my agree/disagree list that involved a lot of the things I had been feeling and things I had heard others feeling that I hoped would show people they are not alone or remind others how some members of our community might be feeling.  

As soon as I started reflection I knew exactly where I belonged and what makes me flourish. I started my opening song and I immediately felt this profound sense of peace and belonging and just rightness in the world. This was where I was supposed to be. Leading reflections or community or spirituality nights bring out everything that I am. I love to bring people together and maybe show them a perspective they never thought of before or build community where it was struggling. 4boston was extremely formative for me all four years but last year, when I led, I found my place. I could easily see the impact 4boston had on me and at the end of the year my 4boston group showed me the impression I left on 4boston. It was where I thrived. Leading that community night brought me back to who I am and reassured me that in time my community-mates will see who I am but at least for now I know.

I was yet again reminded of this on my first day of school. Now I am a week out and I can tell you teaching is hard. And exhausting. And frustrating. But on my first day I fell in love with my 8^th grade class and standing at the front of that classroom felt like the right place in the world for me to be.

I love to share myself with others. Maybe a bit too much, and I think that may be overwhelming when I first meet someone. But I don’t love it because I just want to talk. I love it in moments like this. In moments either where I can help a community grow or I can share myself to inspire my students. I can share myself through stories or talking but also through listening and example and love. I want to give so much of myself because I feel like I receive so much from others and that is what makes my soul feel its worth.